Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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