If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
