some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
