Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
