matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
