Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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