think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
