Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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