he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
