I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
