Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
