the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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