I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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