When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
