During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
