If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
How's work?
Spinning.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
