I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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