oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
