I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
