Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
