im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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