yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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