Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize