watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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