I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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