Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
