...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
