Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
