I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
