He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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