I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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