the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Green mimosas i think yes
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
