you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My vagina just clenched in fear
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
