just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
