i already hear my dad disowning me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
