woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
