he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
