are you still at the devil's house?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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