things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
