I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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