I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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