dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
