drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
