last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
