I didn't shave. On purpose
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
