I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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