Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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