I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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