FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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