i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
