Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We are all done wearing pants today
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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