I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
