I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
