Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
