YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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