You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
