can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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