Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im holly from the hills drunk
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
